SOUTHERN COMFORT

Our Juanita Jackson from the Montauket narrowly avoided disaster last Sunday when she swerved to avoid a deer on South Delrey Road and struck a fire hydrant. Police are searching for the rogue beast, which has caused so many accidents in the past. Montauk Precinct Commander Eddie Ecker told this reporter in confidentiality that detectives believe it to be the same animal that caused Scotty Spratford to crash his truck on East Lake Drive ten years earlier. Unfortunately Juanita did damage her brand new car. The good news is her breasts are just fine.

GRAND OPENING

Linda Barnds has taken over the t-shirt shop next to Pizza Village, formerly known as T-Square. Due to her deteriorating physical condition and advanced age, Linda plans on being open 20 minutes a day. Rob Mulrooney, her boyfriend, wants to call the shop "Short Time" and have wet t-shirt contests.

BEAUTIFICATION

The Montauk Ladies Village Improvement Society wants to bulldoze the Trails End Restaurant. Gail Webb, president of the society stated, "We never realized what an eyesore that shit hole was until they built those two lovely buildings next to Jerry Cuttilo's wood working shop." If Trails End wins their lawsuit and is allowed to remain standing, the "Road Rash" brothers plan on staying open one day a week- Tuesdays for the entire season.

KEEBLER TREE ELF

Kevin "The Sex Dwarf" Savastano is now an Arborist. The Dwarf named his company "Keebler Tree Elf, Inc.," when he discovered Keebler Cookies had never copyrighted the name. Attempting to give the Elf his first "big break," I unwisely hired him to remove a few dead black pines from my estate in Upper Shepherds Neck. Upon completion of half the job, I was handed a bill for twice the agreed upon amount. I strongly advise anyone contemplating hiring the Dwarf to have a tape recorder and a lie detector kit available.

IRISH KEVIN

Once again, the I.N.S. has screwed the Pooch. Shortly after issuing student visas to the Egyptian terrorists that crashed the planes into the World Trade Center, the Agency allowed Irish Kevin to become an American. I, for one, am thinking about becoming a citizen of Zimbabwe. On his way back home from New York, Kevin stopped at Riverhead for the annual "Irishman with the Largest Penis on Long Island" contest. Irish Kevin took first place amongst thousands from the Emerald Isle with a length of 7/8". Officials used a micrometer for accuracy. Kevin beat out the runner up, a lad from Dublin, by over 1/4".

WILLIGAN

Willie "Canvas Back" Willigan has been thrashed once again, and this time it wasn't his lovely wife who administered the whopping. The "Turd Burglar" Dennis Brown at the Shagwong beat Willie senseless last weekend. Willie has taken so many beatings lately that he's starting to resemble Chuck Wepner "The Bayonne Bleeder."

THE MONTAUKET

Maybe it's the suns rays or something in the water on the hill, which is causing the rather unusual behavior of the Puglia Brothers. Marilyn, the boys' mom, had to replace all the knives in the restaurant with plastic ones after a stabbing by an alleged West Coast gang member. Details are sketchy at this point as no one is talking. Police are also investigating an alleged cover up involving a tow truck and the younger combative Steven.

SILVERBACK

Jason Behan was captured by animal control officers who mistook him for an escaped Silverback Gorilla from The Bronx Zoo. Jason was released after several hours of detention when his parents showed up with his ID and baby pictures.

CRASH DUMMIES

The Prado Brothers have developed a unique idea for gasoline service stations. As well as being able to purchase gasoline, beer and groceries, you can now have your car crash tested at the Mobil station.