YOU MAKE ME SICK

        

DRUG BUST

Police busted a major figure in the drug trade on the East End last week. East Hampton detectives arrested John P. Lennon as he pulled away from the Shinnecock Inlet in the Clown Wagon #2 after he picked up 700lbs of cocaine from a Bolivian fishing boat. The cocaine was hidden inside of six flag poles. Mr. Lennon also faces an additional felony charge of false advertising after detectives found American flags from China with "Made in Montauk" labels.

LITTLE LARRY WETS THE BED

Picture this: You are recently married and your new wife completely redecorated your former animal house into a stunning country home with new furniture, bathrooms, rugs, sofas, pillows, and mattresses - a complete makeover. You have invited one of your former scum dog drinking buddies, against the new wife's wishes, to spend the night. Larry Geottelman, the filthy cur, true to his nature, shows his appreciation by pissing a new mattress. But not only does he piss the bed but the miserable dog gets up at dawn and skulks out of town. Personally, this well hung reporter has never pissed the bed. I prefer bureau drawers and linen closets. If I did, however, I would have at least dragged the mattress down to the pool and thrown it in to cover my tracks.

BICYCLISTS AND SLOPPY WALKERS

Now that the dog days of July and August are behind us, I like to think back and reminisce about what pissed me off the most. Is it just me or are the most elaborately outfitted bike riders the most arrogant and aggressive people on the road? Those people should be driven off the road into the bushes and left to die an agonizing death. Next year we'll see if those plastic helmets can withstand a 19 inch wheel on a Ford pickup.

What about those people who try to ambush you at the crosswalks by jumping out from between parked cars? Once these hogs get you to jam on the brakes they slow down their pace and waddle their fat asses across Route 27. The town should give those useless brownies small steamrollers to crush those slow sloppy walkers like toads.

BREAK-IN

A low life thief came through the skylight at The Dock Restaurant over Labor Day weekend. Police arrested Mike Scrimbus after taking DNA samples from semen stains left on the two female mannequins at the fancy establishment. Mr. Scrimbus told police that he wasn't burglarizing the place but merely trying to retrieve a tube of Anal Ease that may have been left in the men's room while dropping his drawers earlier in the evening. Bail was posted for Mr. Scrimbus by his life partner, Mario.

TWO FINGERS

Dan Stavola was thrown out of Dr. Merritt White's office in Wainscott and told never to return. Dr. White claimed doctor/patient confidentiality when asked about Mr. Stavola but was overheard whispering that Danny wanted his prostate examined twice a week. It wasn't the examination that revolted Dr. White but Danny's promise to treat him to lunch at the 1770 House if he used two fingers.

DOG SHIT SHERIFF

Kevin Reynolds, who has nothing on his mind but Thor, attempted to accost Lee Bieler after Lee's pooch dropped his load in front of diners at The Ditch Witch. In an interview conducted while hiding in the beach grass at "Old Man's Beach", Mr. Reynolds claimed that the next time Lee's hound drops his load, it'll end up in the Porsche.

As if Mr. Bieler isn't already too cool to pick up dog shit, he is now taking acting lessons. Now we'll be left to deal with a phonier Lee Bieler. When asked why he was doing so, Mr. Bieler replied, "I want to be like my friend Hank Heckel."

THOR

It has been a tough month for Thor, one of Montauk's most well liked surf instructors. Poor Thor was arrested and dragged off the beach at Ditch in handcuffs for throwing sand in Kevin Reynolds' vehicle. A week later Mr. Thor was bitch slapped in front of The Ditch Witch by one James Goldberg. I aske