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EASTER 2005
ANAL KING
Once again, this year’s winner is John Keeshan. Mr. Keeshan, or “Captain Kangaroo” as he is affectionately known, narrowly beat out runner-up Arthur Trifari. Arthur, who is doing a “five year” Russian plan on his downtown building, uncharacteristically whined, “John always wins because of those fuckin’ polyester clothes and the Corfam shoes.”
Mr. Keeshan, who hopes one day to be selected Grand Marshal of the St. Patrick’s Day parade queried this reporter, upon seeing Henry Uihlein’s new weave, “Do you think people would like me better if I had hair?” I truthfully answered, “No!”
John recently returned from a doctor’s visit, complaining of a pain in the rectum. Dr. Mapula confided to this reporter that the broom up John’s ass is facing the wrong way. “When inserting a broom,” Dr. Mapula instructed, “You always put the handle in first.”
NASCAR
Christopher Hewitt was overheard swearing that Rich “Lou Farigno” Gallop was finished in this town. Chris said the next time Richie parks that piece of shit Detroit pig iron behind the “Wong,” both Richie and his jalopy are “Do-Do.” Mr. Hewitt claims that Rodeo rammed his car and did damage to Chris’ auto several months back. Mr. Hewitt, who normally maintains an even temperament, snarled, “I’m gonna rip his ball sack off.”
MONOPOLY
The big guns are coming to Montauk. Prudential Real Estate and the Corcoran Group supposedly have deals in the works, and Alan Schneider is reported to have bought a quarter mile of downtown Main Street. The word is that local realtors are worried. Does this mean that the Montauk realtors will have to start talking and being friendly to one another?
BARRY BONDS
Joe Hull called from Florida to announce a drug test policy for the Hull and Roddy Construction Company. Joe said all employees will be tested on a regular basis for steroids. Max “Giambi” Maxwell is the sole Hull and Roddy employee. Joe claims that he’s worried about Max’s violent mood swings and the fact all the hair fell off Maxie’s ass and his balls shrunk to the size of B.B.s.
Maxie has been deeply despondent since last October when Steinbrenners’ thugs dropped the ball, so to speak, to those great athletes from Boston.
It was all laughs and jokes when the Yankees were up 3 games to none over Boston. The Yankees showed their true colors and so did Max. Maxie, a former regular lunch customer at the Dock Restaurant, hasn’t been seen since the defeat. Repeated phone calls to the Maxwell residence have never been returned. Max refuses to pay Mr. Watson his gambling debt.
PAY AT THE PUMP
This reporter recently returned from an auto trip to Savannah, Georgia. One couldn’t help but notice the difference in gas prices between Montauk and Georgia. When we left Montauk, the price dropped dramatically. By the time we got to Georgia, the price of gas was a penny. Hoping to understand the wild fluctuation in pricing between Montauk and the rest of the world, I spoke with Marshall Prado, Jr. from Marshall and Sons. Marshall clarified my conundrum in three words — “I love money.”
NATIONAL NEWS
President George W. Bush announced this week that he plans to nominate Judge Joseph Crater to the Supreme Court. Judge Crater has been missing since 1930 and no body has ever been found. Judge Crater is presumed dead. Asked how he could possibly appoint a dead m